A520.2.3.RB_DiazBrian

My blog will be a reflection of a personal conflict I had with my wife's sister.  This incident caused quite an uproar and divided our families for half a year.  It all started on Christmas Day (of all days).  We were making the family rounds and the last stop of the day was to my mother-in-law's house.  My sister-in law, her husband, and two children were there.  Her older son is 5 and at the time my son had just turned two.  My sister-in-law's son watches a lot wrestling  and can be very aggressive.  He was playing rough with my son and I asked him to stop because of course I didn't want my son to get hurt.  I repeated myself to him more than once in front of his parents, my wife, and her mother.  He would stop for a few and then five minute later would start again.  After my last warning he had my son picked up "wrestling" with him and was about to drop him.  I jumped up and grabbed him.  I did this instinctively to protect my son from being dropped on his head and did not realize that in doing so I upset my sister-in-law.  No one said anything to me at the moment not even his father who was sitting there.  He too had asked his son to not play rough with my boy.

Later that evening my wife received a text from her sister saying she couldn't believe she had allowed me to put my hands on her child.  She said her son was very upset and that she was extremely mad at me for my actions.  I did not realize that what I had done extremely upset anyone as everything seemed fine when we left.  In hindsight she was offended because someone other than herself disciplined her child.  I attempted to reach out to her by phone but she refused to take my calls.  I left her a message explaining that it was not my intention to cause her son any harm and that I was protecting my child.  I even reached out to her husband but he too refused my calls.  They would not allow me to offer  an apology.  I was embarrassed by my actions but I did what I felt was right to protect my son.  This caused a major strain between my wife and her sister.  They argued over whether who was "right" and who was "wrong".  As an adult, I took full responsibility for my actions and admitted I handled the situation poorly.  I texted my sister-in-law and offered my sincere apologies.  She in turn accused me of "turning things against her" and using "psychological warfare" in my apology? She also placed a post on FB directed at me which accused me of harming her child.  This really upset by my father-in-law and mother-in-law because this was a distortion of the facts and they demanded she delete her post.

Over the course of the next few weeks my wife, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law all attempted to help us to resolve this issue.  It made things extremely difficult for the family because all functions had to be held separately.  My sister-in-law refused to speak to me regardless of my repeated attempts at a reconciliation.  In the meantime all of the kids involved were upset because they could not see each other.  As cousins, they genuinely love one another and it was hardest on them.  Eventually my wife was able organize a truce after 6 months!  It turns out we were being given false information from her sister.  She said her son never wanted to see me again and that he was scared of me.  I have been in this boy's life since he was 1.  When my wife personally spoke to him he said this was not the case.  It seems this was what he was being told to say.  This experience was one I wished I never would have had to endure but it taught me many valuable lessons.

My classmate, Chris Davis in his discussion post this week wrote the following "series of rules that would alleviate hostilities. The rules I would put in place are as follows:

1. All ideas are welcomed and will be treated with respect.
2. If you disagree with a thought you will talk it out in a peaceful manner.
3. If you become unruly or agitated to where you cannot control your emotions; walk away.
4. If you are offended say it and the conversation ends.
5. If you would like you can request a mediator to make sure both ideas are given ample opportunity to be heard."

I genuinely wish that these rules could have been in place when I faced my conflict.  Both sides would have benefited from these and our families could have saved 6 months wasted being "at war".

Had I had the tools for selecting the appropriate conflict approach when this occurred the results may have been different.  Things are "patched" up between my sister-in-law and me but I still get the sense that she will truly never forgive me and I am okay with that.  I never intended to hurt her child or anyone for that matter.  I understand that I overstepped my boundary by disciplining her son but I did everything in my power to make it right.  I apologized to my nephew repeatedly and asked for his forgiveness which he has given me.

 Whetten & Cameron (2011) wrote "The accommodating approach satisfies the other party's concerns while neglecting one's own."  (p.383).  I learned that "Personal differences are a common source of conflict because individuals bring different backgrounds to their roles in organizations.  Their values and needs have been shaped by different socialization processes, depending on their cultural and family traditions, level of education, breadth of experience, and so forth.  As a result, their interpretations of events and their expectations about relationships with others in the organization vary considerably." (p. 380).

In my conflict, the ones that truly suffered were the kids.  They went half a year without seeing one another and for them this experience was the hardest.  I should have had a better understanding of where my sister-in-law was coming from.  At first I only saw things through my own "lens" however I failed to consider there were two parents and two children involved in this situation.  In the future I will never discipline any one's child myself.  Instead I will ask their parent to do so.  It is not my place nor was it my place to act in the manner I did.  I learned a valuable lesson from this conflict.

Whetten, D. A., & Cameron, K. S. (2011). Developing Management Skills (8th ed.). Upper Saddle River, N.J.: Prentice Hall/Pearson.