When I was a kid I liked to think of myself as quite the comedian. I enjoyed making people laugh. I must have been in either 2nd or 3rd grade. I was on the school bus headed home. I was doing my best to be the center of attention by telling jokes and making everyone laugh. There was an older boy on the bus that day and he was wearing his baseball uniform. He was a quiet kid and I didn’t know him, not sure many of the other kids really knew much about him either. I think he may have just been riding the bus for this one day. He must have been in the 4th or 5th grade.
At this kids expense I thought it would be a good idea to make fun of him. I joked about him being in his baseball uniform and sitting all alone. All of the other kids laughed at him. He didn’t say anything to me and got off the bus. Reflecting back on it, it is obvious to me now that he was clearly upset at being the butt of my jokes. I didn’t see him on the bus again.
A few days later I was riding my bike in the neighborhood next to where I lived. Who do I see as I’m riding my bike? It was the boy I had made fun of. The older, bigger boy I had made fun of. We were no longer on school property. He confronted me about making fun of him and proceeded to beat the hell out of me for it. Deservedly so. I went home crying like a baby because I paid the consequences for my actions. I was out of place making fun of this boy. He probably went home upset and his father told him the next time he saw me to teach me a lesson! That is exactly what I would tell my son to do. To never let anyone one bully you or make fun of you. I learned a valuable lesson that day. I learned that I should never make fun of someone and to have respect for others. What I did that day made that boy feel bad and I never considered his feeling because I was being a jerk. My mother and father had taught me better. Having my ass handed to me was a good reminder that I should treat others how I would want to be treated.
What this experience taught me was to respect the feelings of others. I had no right to make fun of that boy that day. Thinking about it all these years later, he taught me a very good lesson. To be mindful of how my actions might make others feel and of the consequences for those actions. If I could see that boy today I would say both that I am sorry for what and I would also thank him for what he did. By putting me in my place and teaching me a lesson I remembered why my parents always preached to me about respecting others. In an organization or in a position of leadership respect and consideration for the feelings of others to me is very important. I want to be the type of leader that my team members can rely on and trust. I want relationships that are built on genuine respect and goodwill. The very things I failed to show that boy on the bus that day.
I met my wife in 2008 (for the second time but that is a completely different story) and we married in 2010. I always found it difficult for me to express my feelings adequately to her. We had been married for about a year so this was the fall of 2011. We had just finished having dinner at a local restaurant in downtown Orlando. We had a “disagreement” that seemed to only escalate further once we got home. To be honest, I don’t even remember specifically what our argument was about but what came of it remains crystal clear to me.
My wife pointed out to me that I could be very emotionally detached. She commented that I always seemed to put up a “wall” when we had a “disagreement” and that she didn’t feel close to me. She was right. I was putting up an emotional “wall”. I explained to her that it stemmed from being hurt in my longest relationship prior to her. I told her how I had been treated and how because of it I seemed to always detach myself. My wife explained to me that she was not that person and that she would never treat me like that. It was the most honest communication we had had up to that point in our early marriage. This self-disclosure has helped us tremendously in our marriage because I am now more honest with my wife about how I feel about certain things. In our readings this week I learned that “If you are both willing to disclose your true selves, the relationship deepens. If one or both of you keep large parts withheld, the relationship will be correspondingly shallow and unsatisfying.”
What this experience taught me was to trust my wife and to be open about myself. In essence to be a better communicator. It helped us to build a closer intimate relationship with her. Because of this experience I have found it easier to “let people in” and share my past. As an academic advisor I am on a team of 7. I am actively and genuinely interested in my team members, their families, and how they feel about things. Had it not been for my wife helping me “break down my wall” I would most likely be very closed off to my team and would have lost out on the opportunity to get to know my team on a personal level.
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