I learned from this week’s reading just how much I actually might
be saying without verbally saying it. McKay
(2009) wrote “You can’t ‘not communicate’ with others. Without saying a word, you reveal your
feelings and attitudes.” (p.59). Body
language plays an important role in how we communicate without words. This information helped me to understand some
of the nuances of non-verbal cues.
By recognizing someone’s body language and looking for subtle
clues I can receive information during a conversation that the other person may
not be aware of. For instance, if
someone is talking to me and is staring off into space, it is safe to assume
they are not engaged in the conversation.
If I am speaking with someone and their arms are crossed that could be a
clue that they are closed off or are feeling vulnerable. Recognizing facial expressions, posture, and
even breathing can help me to recognize how someone might feel and in turn give
me an opportunity to better communicate with them.
For example, just recently at work as I was walking by my
co-worker’s desk I said good morning. I
asked her how she was and as soon as I took notice of her facial expression I
knew something was not right. Her eyes
seemed heavy (like she had recently been crying) and her expression was
somber. I asked her how she was and she
replied “Oh, I’m okay… I guess.” The
non-verbal congruent cluster I had observed told me otherwise (as well as the
verbal modifier she used). Even though I
have only known her for less than a year, as her colleague I wanted to let her
know that I was there to help. I asked
her “Are you sure that everything is okay, you seem upset?” She began to sob and explain to me that her
poor dog had been really sick and she was worried to death about her. Reflecting on this I realize now that as I
was at her desk that I was also in her personal space. McKay (2009) wrote “Personal distance has a
close sub phase of 1 ½ to 2 ½ feet, which is a comfortable zone for talking”
(p. 66). After some further discussion
about her situation I offered some advice and I asked her if it was okay to
give her a hug. She invited me into her intimate
space and I offered my sincere feelings with her. By reading her body language (facial
expressions), identifying her non-verbal congruent cues, and respecting her
spatial boundaries, I was able to offer comfort to my co-worker and also build our
personal relationship. I was able to
communicate to her that I genuinely cared about her situation and was able to
strengthen what had previously been only a working relationship.
There have been many (many) occasions where my wife and I
share incongruent messages. Our intimate
relationship has enabled us to know exactly what the other is feeling regarding
certain situations. I have been known to
have a mild case of OCD. I am highly
organized and I think everything has to be in a certain place in a certain
way. I cannot stand clutter or
disorganization. When she leaves clothes
on the floor or dishes in the sink it drives me mad!!! It is not because she is lazy, it is because
she knows she will get to it eventually whereas I see that and I go “Why not
just take care of it now and not have to worry about it later?” But again that’s my “OCD”. Yesterday we were returning from shopping and
she asked me to get my son out of the back of the car (we were in her car). No problem.
I undid his belt and he hops out of his seat onto the floor board for me
to pick him up. As I do I notice all of
the “stuff” my wife has all over the floor board of her car. Trash, mail, newspapers, you name it, it was
in her car. So I pick him up and I did
not realize it but I was shaking my head and made a face as if to say “I can’t
believe your car is so messy!” She said “What’s wrong?” And I said “Oh nothing… dear.” But my words didn’t agree with what my body
and face were saying. Also as I learned from our readings I was using a verbal
modifier that changed the meaning of my sentence (bad idea). And she was not happy. She said “I know what you are thinking and it
is my car and if I want it to be messy you shouldn’t worry about it!” I tried to defend myself but made it worse. Even
though I said there was nothing wrong my body language and facial expressions and
my tone said otherwise. And it got me in
trouble. I felt bad once I realized what
I had done because she is right. It is
her car and she can keep any way that she likes.
I recall recently meeting a co-worker’s husband for the
first time. Getting to know her she
shared with me that he had studied martial arts his entire life. He recently came to work to surprise her and
I got a chance to meet him. I consciously
used paralanguage when I met him. What I
did was I altered the resonance of my voice when I introduced myself and had a
conversation with him. I did this
because I wanted to be perceived as strong.
I thought it was important for him to view me in a certain way because
of how I wanted to be perceived (as dumb as that may sound) as a man. In
hindsight I should just have presented myself for who I am, not who I want to
be known as. I have since seen him a few
times and I no longer feel I have to validate myself to feel secure about
myself.
I truly try my best to be humble at all times. I do not talk to others about money, I do not
care to discuss religion, and I do not celebrate my accomplishments. When I read about the hidden agendas the
first person to come to my mind was my sister-in law. At any family gathering she is more than
happy to so share her personal views.
She is the person at the dinner party that “knows it all”. McKay (2009) wrote “This is the agenda of the
endlessly lecturing dinner guest” (p.85)
She wants everyone to know what it is she knows and how right her
position is. She is a conservative and
her beliefs are very strong. The problem
is that her beliefs are usually based on false information. I know this because she posts all of her
information on Facebook. I learned in my
prior course to not trust everything I read, so I research a lot of her “factual”
postings and have found the vast majority of them to be false. My wife discourages political discussions and
I have been asked not to respond to her posts or engage her in discussions
because she gets really upset and defensive whenever someone offers their
opinion to her. I learned from our
reading that she seems to be coping with some type of feeling of inadequacy. I found this information to be pretty
informative. I learned hidden agendas
can be the “death of intimacy”. I would
agree because after 6 years I don’t know anything about her except for her politics.
Davis, M., Fanning, P. & McKay, M. (2009). Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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