I am the type of person that has no problem talking to complete strangers. For me it is not so much a question of whether I am comfortable but whether or not I am interested enough to get to know someone. Recently one of my wife’s friends was married. At the wedding there were a lot of people I did not know and since I was never going to see them again, I honestly was not interested in getting to know them. I did however have no qualms about engaging the guests that were seated at our table for the reception. At this point in my life I am married and have been fortunate enough to have had the same friends for over 20 years. I really am not looking to expand my “inner circle” but that wasn’t always the case.
When I moved away from “home” (Orange City) to Orlando I left all of my childhood friends behind and was also single. It was literally like starting all over again in terms of friendships so everyone I met was a stranger. Because I grew up playing sports I feel like I learned confidence at an early age. I am very outgoing and I like to think that I am a confident person. Working as a server in the hospitality industry for almost 15 years also helped me to communicate with others because almost every table I ever touched, were total strangers. My job gave me the opportunity on a daily basis to interact with people I normally would not. But when it came to dating that was sometimes a different story.
At the time, I worked in one of the most popular restaurants in an area of downtown Orlando called Thornton Park. An affluent neighborhood that catered to some of Orlando’s most prominent business leaders. We had a wine rep that was in the restaurant quite often. He was a bit eccentric to say the least. He exhibited a kind of air about himself that I did not find endearing. One weekend he came in with this beautiful girl. Through the “grapevine” I found out that they had only recently started dating. He actually introduced her to me and I spoke with her briefly and we exchanged pleasantries. Our meeting was based on ritual questions but I really wanted it to lead to informational questions. McKay, Davis & Fanning (2009) wrote “Ritual questions focus on learning a person’s name where he or she is from, and what he or she does. Ritual questions are often used as the opening gambits of a conversation, but these soon give way to informational questions. These are more specific and are designed to elicit important facts about the other person’s beliefs and feelings.” (p. 213). Fast forward to a few weeks later. I was a party with some of my co-workers and our wine rep was there with his girlfriend. I just couldn’t understand what she saw in the guy. I thought he was pompous and pretentious. Why would such a nice girl go for a guy like that I thought? I noticed after a while that he was too busy mixing with everyone else at the party except for her. After some “liquid courage” I decided to talk to her again. We had really great conversation! We happened to share a lot of the same qualities. We asked each other questions, actively listened to one another, and even exchanged some self-disclosure. We must have been talking to one another for about an hour in the kitchen until her boyfriend noticed and “came to her rescue”. I kicked myself in the pants though for not letting her know I thought she was beautiful, amazing, and with the wrong guy. That may have been too much to share at the time but I should have at least told her the first two things! I failed to express myself fully and missed the opportunity to further get to know this girl. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.
I learned from McKay, Davis & Fanning (2009) that “There are only two basic rules for successfully making contact: First, you have to give what you would like to receive, which means attention, interest , respect, and liking that you want must also be something you offer others. Second, you have to have an outward rather than inward focus.” (p.209). The use of body language is very important. How you stand, how your arms are positioned, your eye contact. Icebreakers are a great way to start a conversation. I think the key is putting all of this week’s lesson together. Combine questions, actively listen, and the use of self-disclosure to effectively communicate with a stranger. The end goal is to make new acquaintances and have a better understanding of how we can use successful communication to interact with those we normally would not.
Davis, M., Fanning, P. & McKay, M. (2009). Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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