I am thankful to have really
amazing parents. Growing up I’ve had the
misfortune of seeing friends of mine struggle with the realities of divorce. Three years ago my wife and I were blessed
with our first child. Caiden was my parents’
first grandchild. They were over the moon
in love with him from day one. Just
before my son was born we had moved from Orlando to be closer to our families. Caiden decided to come early and my wife
actually went into labor the weekend we moved.
When we brought Caiden home we were still in boxes. I love my mom to death and we are very
fortunate to have all of the grandparents in our lives but my mom could not
understand why she could not see Caiden every single day from the time we got
home. My wife was in labor for almost 24
hours. We had to stay in the hospital an
extra day because Caiden was four weeks early and weighed just a hair over five
pounds. Needless to say when we returned
home we were exhausted. All we wanted to
do was “nest” and get some rest (as much as possible with a newborn). As soon as we got home my started asking when
would be a good time for her and my dad to visit. I explained to her that we were exhausted and
needed rest. She couldn’t understand why
she couldn’t see her new grandson and this caused conflict between us.
Looking back, there was plenty I
could have done to ease the tension or to resolve this conflict. My first mistake was not developing an attitude
of resolution (Levine, 2009). I brushed
aside my mother’s feelings without an explanation and she became upset. In her mind, we were keeping her grandson
away from her when in actuality, we were just exhausted and needed time to bond
with our son.
If only I would have told my mom
our story (Levine, 2009) we could have avoided this conflict. One of the factors that played into this
conflict was the difference in cultures between my family and my wife’s. Spanish families are very involved when a baby
is born. It’s not uncommon for family
members to come over once you’ve returned home from the hospital to cook meals,
help with chores, and to make sure that everything is being taken care of. My wife is not Spanish. My wife and I were on the same page when it
came down to our families visiting. We
wanted to be alone so we could experience this new beginning together. We are all about spending time with our
families but we also wanted that first week alone with our son. Had I communicated this better with my mom, I
think I could have avoided hurting her feelings.
Levine (2009) wrote “The third
step is to listen and think about a resolution that honors all concerns in the
situation” (p. 41). I could have said to
my mom “We are really tired and just need a few days to get adjusted to Caiden’s
schedule. We would love for you to visit
and spend time with us but give us a few days and I we’ll let you know how we
are doing. It would be great if you
could visit in a few days and maybe bring over some food.” My mother to lives to cook for others. Growing up my friends would come over for
every holiday, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas. My mom would cook a feast. Everyone loved her cooking. I think doing that makes her feel needed. Communicating to my mom that we really could
use her help but just not immediately might have kept us from having this
conflict.
Next, I should have laid out all our
cards on the table with my mom. I should
have told her that Candi’s family had not asked to visit us at all. She was the only one. Everyone else was respecting our privacy. I think it would have been a good idea for my
wife and I to have made our intentions clear to our families from the get go. Stewart (n.d.) wrote “It's perfectly okay to
be selfish about placing the needs of your nuclear family first and making
others wait, Dr. Mittal says. Plus, there are more ways eager pals can help:
Say yes to their homemade soups; let them walk the dog or drop off groceries
and take a quick baby peek” (para.6). Had
we been upfront about our needs we could have avoided conflict with my mom.
I did explain to my mom that
after a few days she could visit (although this wasn’t what she wanted to
hear). I tried my best to put into place
a future agreement in principle (Levine, 2009).
As a new dad (particularly with my wife feeding) I felt a little
helpless. It was my wife that needed to
wake up every three hours to feed our son.
I felt bad I couldn’t do more.
After speaking with my wife we agreed to a schedule for our families. On one day my parents would visit and the
next day her parents would visit. Then
we would have a few days to ourselves and so on. The schedule made it to where everyone got
equal time and no one would get their feelings hurt. I think it was easier for my wife’s family because
there were already a number of grandkids on their side. Crafting this new agreement, and sticking to
the schedule would have greatly alleviated the conflict between my mother and
us.
In the end my mom understood we
were not coming from a malicious place and the time we asked for was what we
needed. I made it clear to her that we
were not trying to keep her from seeing her grandson and at the same time that
we had not had any other visitors. I
think she felt that we were singleing her out.
I explained that was not the case at all and she would have more than
ample time to visit with her grandson.
To say she is obsessed with Caiden would be an understatement. We were blessed to have my mom babysit Caiden
when we went back to work for his first two years. After that we placed him in daycare and my
mom decided she no longer wanted to be retired.
At first she had us Facetime them every single day but it was a bit
much. Now grandma and grandpa see him
every other day and we make plans to visit no less than twice a month.
Having a conflict resolution plan
is necessary in order to work through issues.
Heitler (2012) wrote “Conflict resolution is the process of trying to
find a solution to a conflict. Ideally conflict resolution is
collaborative problem-solving, a cooperative talking-together process that
leads to choosing a plan of action that both of you can feel good about” (para.
5). More often than not conflict arises
from not hearing what the other person is saying or when there is a misunderstanding. Using the seven steps of resolution allows us
to analyze the what and how to resolve conflicts. This model will allow us to reach amicable
agreements for the benefit of each party while the deescalating the conflict issue
any further. Today everyone is in a happy place and everyone gets their fill of Caiden. :)
Heitler, S. (2012). What Makes
Conflict? How Are Conflicts Resolved? Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201211/what-makes-conflict-how-are-conflicts-resolved
Levine, S. (2009). Getting to
Resolution: Turning Conflict into Collaboration. San Francisco, CA;
Berrett-Koehler Publishing Inc.
Stewart, R. (n.d.). What to
Expect Baby's First Week. Retrieved from http://www.parents.com/baby/care/newborn/what-to-expect-babys-first-week/
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